When God made Man, he gave Man dominion over the Earth and Sea; but most importantly, he gave us all the nuts that dwelleth upon the ground. Nuts are nutritious, delicious and highly versatile; they come in all shapes and sizes and boast all sorts of uses. Here are some sensationally helpful ones:
1. The Nut-lace:
Make a necklace out of nuts and wear it to work. Not only will you impress your colleagues with your craftsmanship, but if you play it right, you could snack AND find the perfect pairing for that Autumn cardigan you’ve been meaning to wear.
2. To Be or Nut To Be:
Write a short sonnet about your love of nuts and those that really shaped who you are.
3. Nutty Jester:
If you’re one of those people who are constantly juggling things, try juggling nuts. It’s an impressive party trick, and they’re easy to carry.
Paint a nut and give it to a child in order that they may understand the terrible beauty of existence.
5. I’m nut-a-danger:
Give a nut to a passing stranger as a sign that you are no longer a danger to society.
6. The Wall-nut:
When you’ve decided that civilised society is no longer your cup of tea and truly embrace the lock-down lifestyle, build a powerful wall around your home by gluing a few million walnuts together.
When the moon is rising, throw a bag of nuts over the wall of your neighbour’s fence as a friendly peace offering if you’ve fallen out.
If you want to spice up your customary cash gift to a nephew or niece this summer, why not hide it in a walnut shell? Delight in watching their faces drip with disappointment as they are presented with a nut, only to be told they must earn their present by opening the (super-glued) nut open to reveal the prize! A festive, entertaining way to make your family work for their presents this Christmas.
9. The Nutcracker:
Use nuts to break open your ex’s window when they don’t return your calls.
10. Talk to a nut.
They’re handsome, approachable and particularly good at keeping secrets.
Subvert traditional rules of tennis with a nut. It’s a healthy form of exercise and you can have a tasty snack mid-game. Sounds like an improvement if you ask me.
12. He loves me, he loves me nut:
If you’re on a date and keen to get things off to a smooth start, impress them with your knowledge of nuts.